My absence CW: depression

Didn’t hear from you in a while … I hope you’r doing fine …

(wild flowers growing near the lake)


Thanks for asking, but unfortunately I have no good news to share.
It’s a constant up and down, where the ups are getting shorter, less frequent and less high every time.
The only thing I can look forward to is my stay at a psychiatric rehab, but that’s still almost two months away. I’m on a waiting list though to maybe get an earlier slot.


I’m sorry to hear. Really sorry. :heart:

Unfortunately with me, psychiatric rehabs have a poor reputation for what I encountered with relatives and friends who had to seek their help. Never met the expectation, never found the root cause nor even tried to … though allegedly renowned institutes. :thinking:

I really hope, it will work out for you. All the best wishes :smiley: :+1:


Hi Paula,

I keep my fingers crossed for you and wish you all the best.
Don’t be discouraged by the posting of @Dramaqueen.
I know, there are bad stories, but I do know of others as well (firsthand that is).
You really should be looking forward to the rehab, as this can be a gamechanger or at least a start, since it will be a way to go.
And try to keep in mind, that there will always be people here in this forum caring for you and it seems someone is always online. :wink: :slight_smile:

Sending you love and power!


Sorry, I did not mean it to be discouraging. Sometimes I am way too outspoken. Sorry. :innocent: :face_with_hand_over_mouth: :zipper_mouth_face:


I know one first hand. The therapists were great and often enough I had the feeling that the other patients there were far more normal than the average people you meet on the streets here. And no: It was a regular public rehab, not a fancy upper-class one for rich people.


It’s still an up and down, but lately the ups are actually getting longer, which is great. But the downs are still getting more and more brutal each time.
Currently there is all this talk about a new corona lockdown and there is every indication I’ll handle it even worse than the last one:

  • I am starting from way down here
  • there is not a lot of medicine left, that I’m not already taking
  • I have a lot fewer friends that I’m comfortable asking for help to get me through this tough time
  • and worst of all - this time I have nothing really to look forward to

In one of our last sessions I told my therapist that I don’t think I’ll survive this winter and she basically agreed with me.
And yesterday I lost my Fairphone, so I’m having even less contact to the world outside my bed.


As others here, I am definitely concerned to read the final lines of your post today, yet I wanted to express that I appreciate that you take the effort to let us know of your current state.

I really do not mean to question the sincerety and authenticity of your response to all our current circumstances, I absolutely believe that they are a heavy additional burden on you. Yet let me add that for me, some of the current special and also some more general circumstances trigger opposite responses in me. I felt way more integrated (than in “normal” times) when Germany had its (mild) lockdown earlier this year. And probably in the same way, for me the end of summer is (always) a major relief as it marks the end of the period of the most extreme exclusion I experience. For me the start of autumn is always a ray of, well, not hope, but relief. Less exclusion, less humiliation.

And while I suspect you feel the opposite about these things, let me assure you that I feel with your despair.


How are you for hobbies, Paula? I make soap, I like to mess around with electronics and cassette tapes, and for the past couple of months I’ve been photographing and identifying plants that grow on sidewalks. Goodness knows that my hobbies have helped me get through some dull lockdown days - something to look forward to, something to do that’s just for oneself.


@urs_lesse yeah it seems like we’re very different that way. The lockdown was horrible for me, but it was even worse afterwards, because I had to learn to integrate myself all over again.
And winters are always worse for me. In the last 12 years I probably had 10 winter depressions. Those are of course no comparison to my current situation, but still not something I need on top of it all now.

I pretty much don’t like to do anything on my own anymore.
I love taking a walk with a friend and hopefully there are a few of them willing to do that again. I’d love to play basketball again - haven’t played in years. But I guess that’s not very wise in these times and I don’t know anyone else who likes to play anyway.
One thing I could do on my own is ride my bike - but that was stolen.

Otherwise - I wouldn’t call it a hobby, but just something to pass the time and distract myself - I play Pokemon on my Switch.

Yeah that’s pretty much it.


I certainly won’t minimise the problems you’re having and I don’t imagine picking up macrame or collecting thimbles will lift you out of these dark times, so please tell me if I’m not being helpful.

Is there something, some activity or interest, you could pick up? It’s good to do things just for yourself. Video games can be a perfectly good hobby even if they aren’t terribly productive; we don’t always have to produce things for our lives to be worthwile.

Maybe get an Arduboy and try to program a simple game for it. Or learn calligraphy, grow plants from seed, or pursue photography? I know from EFCT19 that you’re a gifted photographer (I’m still using one of your pictures from the botanical gardens as my wallpaper). Just spitballing here.

By the way, have you got a new phone? I’m sure we can source a working FP2 for you on the forum if you need it, I know I’ve got plenty of parts to give to you.


:sunflower: Alles Gute :sunflower:


Regarding hobbies: Maybe you could start playing videogames with friends? I know that compared to what @robbert.f suggested it’s probably not the best or healthiest hobby, but the easiest to get into since you only have to turn on your PC.
I’d suggest you “Ori and the blind Forest” and it’s successor “Ori and the Will of the Wisps” which are both unbelievably beautiful (although somethimes kind of hard) jump’n’run games. The music and the artwork are breathtaking.
For multiplayer I’d recommend Factorio which is about automation and building a robot factory on an alien planet. It’s great with two people and at least I was able to really sink into it and forget about the rest of the world for five hours in a row.

The games are 20€, 30€ and 25€ on Steam, you can however get them much cheaper on external sites like allkeyshop.com. All three of them work fine on Ubuntu-based Linux.

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Thanks that’s very nice, but I still have hope that my phone might have been found and delivered to the appropriate place. I lost it in a tram or metro after all.

I’m not really into video games much. Pokemon is an exception, because it reminds me of my childhood.

That all sounds like I’d need to concentrate to do it, which is really hard for me.


Looking at @AustrianFairphoners, is there a possibility that we can find a bike for Paula?


As @robbert.f pointed out (and I also think this, judging by the lovely fotos you post), photography could be for you. An old friend of min is constantly taking fotos of :bug: :butterfly: :spider: creatures and uploading them to


A little update is due.
I’m feeling better for a week now. I always thought so, when I was feeling better, but this time I really really really think it means I’m on my way up.
Yesterday for example I hardly felt the depression and I was rather motivated to do something. So because no friend had time for me and my brain still doesn’t let me do anything interesting for more than a few minutes I was bored AF.
Boredom is actually something I haven’t felt in a while. So that’s good.

I’m back on my plan to move to Graz, which I’m sure will help, but I don’t think I’m really fit to work yet (and also I don’t have any qualification), so for a while I’ll only have bills and no income. But I think it’s worth it if it helps with my depression.
I hope I’ll find some friends there quickly, but my track record doesn’t look good.

What else? Other symptoms of my depression, other than the shitty brain, are dizziness and shakiness, so it’s a good thing I didn’t become a surgeon.
My psychiatric rehab is starting soon. Not sure whether I’ll have much time to be on the forum while I’m there.

Okay that’s all I can think of right now.

PS: I think I haven’t been very active on the forum for about half a year now. Anybody want to give me a short update about what I missed?

PPS: Oh and obviously I have trouble sleeping. Otherwise I wouldn’t haunt the forum at 3 at night.

PPPS: I should really train my brain a little and my favorite way to do so was always riddles. Anyone know any good ones?


Hi Paula,

I’m happy to see you back and read you again!

Well, FP3+ has been launched and some people are happy, but a lot come here to ask for help or complain, it seems the Update to Android 10 is full of bugs :sweat_smile: while the new camera modules are always a cool thing but not so much worth it, according a lot of people’s opinion, except for the front camera (Fairphone team is working on updating the camera software).

Regarding people, a lot of newcomers, but there is a new and very active forum moderator and Fairphone angel called @alex21, @BertG has also been promoted.

As for angels, we’ll move from Mailman to Discourse soon, the beta phase seems to be successful.

And for riddles, I don’t have many of them but found this searching the web: https://www.riddles.com/best-riddles.

Have fun :wink:

EDIT: In the worst case, you’ll find them boring, which is good news :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


PS: I think I haven’t been very active on the forum for about half a year now. Anybody want to give me a short update about what I missed?

For a more balanced account of people’s satisfaction with the FP3 and FP3+, I started a poll which currently stands at around the same 85 % satisfaction rate that Fairphone once reported about the FP2.

PPPS: I should really train my brain a little and my favorite way to do so was always riddles. Anyone know any good ones?

Just in case you don’t know that (joke) yet:
Why do ants never go into churches? Warum gehen Ameisen nie in Kirchen?


Haha no, I didn’t know that one.

Solution, I guess

Because they are in sects