English

My absence CW: depression

content warning: depression

Hey all,
Some of you already know, but I wanted to let you all know why I haven’t been active in the Fairphone community for a while.
I have a severe depression. It all started in November with a short depressive episode and me realizing that I have social anxiety. I started therapy, which ripped open lots of old wounds, then corona came and with it social isolation. Additionally there were blows of fate about twice a week.
It’s getting worse every week and when the corona restrictions started being lifted I just got lonelier and lonelier, because people started having less time for me. Also my first impulse because of the depression, is to isolate myself even more.

I miss my friends, especially the great people from Fridays For Future. But I also miss the Fairphone community a lot.
Currently it looks like I’ll be admitted to a psychiatric hospital soon. Once there I’ll have even less contact with the outside world for a few weeks, but atm it seems like there is no way around it.
I hope I’ll get the energy and motivation to come back soon. Looking forward to reading up on all that I’ve missed here.

I hope you all are feeling better. :slight_smile:

36 Likes

All the best to you. I wish you strength to battle this.

10 Likes

Take my energy, Paula. We will welcome you back with open arms when you’re ready for it - your voice here is seriously missed. I hope you feel better soon.

11 Likes

You’re brave for speaking up Paula. Take a second to be proud of that; too many people are too afraid to talk about mental health, but it’s so important. Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery.
I can tell you from experience that there’s a way up and out of depression, as long as you keep working on it. It’s often a manifestation of other challenges (like the social anxiety you mention), which may not go away, but can really become a lot more manageable once you learn how. Take your time to focus on yourself now and chip away at the challenges at hand, it’s the right thing to do. The FP community will still be here when you come back. Hopefully you’ll soon re-experience what others in this community and elsewhere have known for a long time: that you are valuable!

8 Likes

Life isn’t always easy. I hope you find help and loving care nearby.
Take all the time you need.
Have a cuddle from me.

6 Likes

Licht & Liebe.
Thanks for everything and I wish you tremendous strength to go through this battle.

8 Likes

Hi Paula!
I wish you all the best and I look forward to reading your posts soon!
Take care!

8 Likes

It’s great that you’re speaking up and seeking help, it’s the most important step you can take to get passed this. I wish you all the best and I hope you to see you around soon! :slight_smile:

8 Likes

I have seen many of your publications here since I came to this community and have learned a lot about how to live in a more ethical and sustainable way because of them. I am surprised at the way you are able to tell what you are going through and how you feel: it is very brave and very hard to face all that. You are very strong.

I hope that everything will be better for you soon. In the meantime, you are still an inspiration to many of us. Thank you.

11 Likes

Thank you everyone for your kind, strengthening and wise words. :slight_smile:
This really is a very special community. I’m very thankful to be part of it and being more active here again will be something to look forward to, while I’m in the hospital. :heart:

15 Likes

Von mir von Herzen auch alles Gute. Kopf hoch! Kümmere Dich erst um Dich! Wenn wir irgendwie helfen könnnen - ich bin dabei!

7 Likes

Take care Paula. All the very best to you for a sunnier future.

6 Likes

Hallo Paula,
auch von mir die besten Wünsche. Werde bald wieder gesund!
Alles Gute!

6 Likes

You are right, this is a very special community. You are a part of it and you will be missed the time you are not here.
But take your time to recover. All the best for you.

7 Likes

Dear Sweet @paulakreuzer Thank you for sharing how you are feeling with us. I hope you feel the lovely energy and the positive vibes we are all sending your way. I’m amazingly proud of you and I’m sure that with the steps you’re taking things will start to look brighter. Take the time in the hospital to heal, to recover and regain trust in yourself. You are an incredible beautiful, brave and strong person. We will be waiting for you here with open arms!

I want to share with you this poem from Mary Oliver. It helped me many times during my burnout:

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life that you could save.

Mary Oliver
The Journey

May you be happy Paula! May you be free from inner and outer harm :heart:

13 Likes

Thanks again everybody for the nice messages.
I’m right now sitting in an ambulance waiting to see a doctor and hoping they will make it so I get a spot in a hospital quickly.
I took a book with me, to pass the time, but can’t concentrate enough to read it.
So I’m really greatful for the poem @lina1, because it’s short enough so I can read it over. :slight_smile:

7 Likes

Like said before, You are very brave to write it out. This is a good sign that you are strong enough to overcome this difficult time. Everything lies on hope, a target, even the smallest one. You already accomplished something very important by writing those words. Someone very close to me has been in this situation for some reason, and I know how hard it is to get though all this. Writing is a good start. If I could share only one advice against depression : step by step.

I sincerely wish you to recover, take your time.

7 Likes

The system sucks.
The doctor yesterday didn’t help me at all. She just crushed my last bit of hope, that there would be any help for me.
As long as I’m not suicidal I don’t get any radical help, but if I don’t get any radical help soon, it will only be a matter of time, until I’m suicidal.

Today I had an hour with my therapist again and she gave me some perspective - but apparently the system really is not equipped to deal with severe depressions quickly, as long as it’s not life-threatening.
She even offered to help me research which treatment centers will take me relatively quickly, help me with applications and additionally to the 2 sessions of therapy a week treat me some more via email in her spare time.
The doctor yesterday on the other hand just gave me a bunch of websites I should start my research at (one of them being Google!) and totally disregarded, that I’m in no condition to get myself to do that.
I entered her office full of hope and left with tears in my eyes and she didn’t even seem to notice (or care).

8 Likes

I’m sorry to hear about this setback Paula, it must feel dreadful to feel a deep need for something that just isn’t offered. Sadly it’s common; mental health services are overly strained and underfunded all around the globe. To offer some counterweight to your current thoughts: to me it sounds like you’ll be walking the road of recovery rather than cycling - at least for now. That doesn’t mean you can’t improve, it’s just going to take smaller steps and more time. Keep looking up, no matter the weather, you got this!
I hear that you’re emotionally not in a state to do a lot of “homework”, but I want to mention this anyway in case you find a bit of headspace on a good day: the Centre for Clinical Intervention in Western Australia has many useful resources to cope with mental health: explanations, work sheets… lots of things derived from CBT that counselors normally talk you through. They helped me a lot, specifically the thought diary templates under the “social anxiety” category - but you can pick and match whatever you feel is relevant to you. Or if you’re not sure, just read a bit of the information sheet and see if it resonates with you. I’ll be honest, I didn’t like the writing style of the information sheets, but I made myself look past that and discovered lots of details on the various disorders and ways to challenge your thoughts. They may be worth giving a try… there’s nothing to lose. And every step you do manage to set is one step closer to your goal. :slight_smile:
That being said, it’s valuable to be heard and challenged in person, to get the personal attention that you feel you need. Keep banging on their doors like you do, and meanwhile take every therapy session that you get. Getting to understand yourself better is the bit that takes time, but once you do you’ll be amazed at how quickly you’ll suddenly progress and your mental health improves. It’s a journey: keep walking, and keep reminding yourself of how every step gets you one step closer to a peaceful mind. Oh, and take care Paula! :hugs:

5 Likes

Liebe Paula
Gönn dir Zeit die du brauchst und habe Geduld mit dir. Irgendwo am Ende des Tunnels ist ein Licht. Ich hoffe sehr, dass ich dich im Herbst oder wann immer es für dich möglich sein wird, persönlich kennen lernen kann.
Felizitas

6 Likes