@yvmuell 's post says it so well – just want to add my very best wishes, Paula!
Okay, another update.
I started a new therapy: psychoanalysis / depth psychology.
It’s really heavy and as always things get worse before they get better and I’m in that phase right now.
I had planned to start a few new therapies, but it didn’t all work out. One group is already finished, another never started and I’m still on a waiting list for ketamine therapy.
That’s where you get a party drug as a spray in your nose and then you should feel much better for a long time.
I’m still not able to work and my money is all out now. So I couldn’t afford more therapy anyway.
But I’m active with a club I co-founded about the fediverse. So at least I’m doing a little bit and I’m not always just laying in my bed or on my couch doing nothing.
Anyway my future is very unclear at the moment. 
I guess I’ve said it internally elsewhere already, but also here:
It’s been a pleasure collaborating with you recently. Looking forward to continue. 
Hi Paula, schön von dir zu hören und auch wenn es sich bestimmt nicht immer so anfühlt, lese ich hier viel Positivität und wie schön, dass eine neue Therapie scheinbar nochmal neue Impulse setzen kann. Ich wünsche dir, dass die anderen Umstände, die aus deiner Krankheit resultieren, nicht zu viel Kraft kosten und du eine Lösung findest bzw bon mir sicher es gibt eine Lösung.
Ketamin Therapie klingt sehr spannend, wusste gar nicht, dass es da Studien gibt, bin allerdings gerade heute über einen Podcast gestolpert der Partydrogen zur Therapie thematisiert. Da werde ich gleich mal reinhören.
Es ist gut zu lesen, dass Du positiv eingestellt sind. Und dass Du Ihre Energie für die Gesellschaft einsetzen können. Sinnvoll zu sein, gibt dem Tag das gewisse Extra.
Finally some good news!
I think my depression is starting to fade away. 
I’m still out of money and probably won’t be able to work anytime soon, but at least I’m not feeling that bad anymore. It kind of just made click a few weeks ago.
Guess I won’t need the ketamine therapy after all.
That’s is so awesome to hear. I am so glad for you.
Great news and the rest will surely follow soon.
So nice! This is great news, try to keep optimistic and be patient. I hope everything will be much better soon 
I guess it’s time for another positive update.
This will probably be a long one.
First I have to elaborate on my last post, as I’m surprised right now, that my post was so short.
So in September '23 I finally got over the woman that triggered my depression. It had already gotten a bit better but then reading a book helped me take a big step and stop being dependent on her altogether. I can highly recommend the book “Platonic” by Marisa Franco to anyone who struggles with friendships.
One of my main takeaways from the book was, that the sentence “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you” - which I always hated - is just way too simplistic. It’s more complex and actually a vicious cycle. And I like vicious cycles, because they are also cycles of opportunities. They have many points of attack where you can make a change.
This circle goes like this: I hate myself → I assume others will hate me → I won’t give them a chance to like me → They don’t like me → I feel confirmed in my believe as well as unloved and unworthy → I hate myself.
Turn this around and you get (with a different starting point): I assume others will like me → I give them a chance to like me → They will like me → I feel confirmed that I’m loved and lovable → I’ll love myself → …
The assumption that others will like me, for me is the most obvious point of attack and the book gave many examples and explained studies that proved, that you can assume that others will like you. I mean, I usually like most people I meet too. It’s not very often that you immediately don’t like someone.
Anyway, that helped me a lot, but my hope, that my depression was about to be over was not true yet. I did feel a lot better, but during winter, until the end of January, my drive got really bad - even worse than it was during the worst part of the depression. For a month or so I didn’t even use my computer anymore. I just hung on my phone or slept and you can’t be very productive on your computer.
But then it changed quickly. I started using my computer again, a week later I started with a daily fitness routine and then I had enough drive to manage everyday tasks better than before. I now think that starting form absolute zero with my drive was exactly what I needed. And the timing was great. I started a job course a while later and even though it wasn’t what I wanted (job orientation) I got active and oriented myself.
Since March I work as a personal assistant to people with disabilities - at least a few hours a moth. And I found the perfect education for my future profession: Animal assisted intervention or coaching. I also started that course in March and additionally my dog is becoming a therapy assistant dog.
My original plan was to make a team with my dog and work self-employed and help people - a bit like a psychotherapist, but different and with a dog.
But since the course started and I got to know a lot of really cool institutions that do animal assisted interventions or pedagogic my plan now is to get my dog Platon to feel relaxed around all kinds of animals so we can both work in such an institution (usually a farm) with lots of other animals and people. I’m already doing an internship at one farm which I love, but haven’t brought Platon along yet.
So all in all I’m really happy about the progress I made these past months. My depression is definitely over since spring and I now know, that the 3 personality disorders were just side diagnoses of the depressions. Sure I have dependent, avoidant and emotionally unstable personality traits, but not that drastically. Also my social phobia seems to be gone. This one I believe I had all my life and I think my depression helped me get over it: In the past 4 years I got a lot more open, simply because I needed to open up, to get help to survive. And now what changed is: I have other things to talk about than just my psyche and I am open about all kinds of stuff, most of it positive topics.
That sounds so simple and is such a complex and important awareness. Connected with self-love are self-trust, self-worth, self-sympathy and I can read all that in your text about your work.
My definition of self-love is: Selbstliebe ist die Beziehung zu dir selbst. Das allumfassende liebevolle und bewertungsfreie Annehmen und Wertschätzen aller Teile des eigenen Selbst, inkl. der Makel und Fehler und zu diesen Stärken und Schwächen stehen.
I think its so important to start focusing on all the strength everyone has and celebrate and enjoy even the smallest tiny little good thing happening in life every day. So great you found something you like and animals are such great therapists. Working with your dog and other animals to help others will also help you to keep your positivity about yourself and life. Be proud “Eigenlob stinkt nicht”. I would love to read more about your experience during work.
That’s very true. I believe most people don’t have a good definition of self love and think there is a spectrum from self-hatred over healthy self love to too much self love aka narcissism (de: Selbstverliebtheit). I think self hatred and narcissism are on the same side of the spectrum, you just show it differently. People who constantly brag about themselves do that because they fear feeling worthless.
If you love yourself you won’t brag.
Like you say, it’s just not judging yourself. Treating yourself like you would treat a good friend instead of putting yourself down for every tiny flaw or mistake.
I absolutely hated myself during my depression and I guess now that I’m over it, I just don’t see any reason to judge me for human behavior.
Instead of judging yourself you can spend that time and energy accepting what is, exploring why it is that way, acknowledging that that is human nature and then thinking about how to make it better, if necessary.
I hope you feel better soon. Just having a plush or a pet to hug always made me feel better. Having someone that can make you laugh takes away the blues as well. Also having someone you can talk to will also help. Doing arts and crafts can also be a stress reliever. There is many things you can do. You’re not alone. There are others who are depressed just like you. I hope that you get well soon.