Dear @paulakreuzer ,
I just wanted to share some of the things I’ve learned over the last year, as I have been having mental health problems. Mine wasn’t really a depression, and I don’t think people should be saying “I know how you feel”, because most probably they don’t. And I certainly don’t know how you feel, but when you do get back, I hope that I’m throwing out a flotation device, that there might be something there to hang on to. Or that it might help someone else.
My problem was more of a burnout, but one built on a long standing confusion between self-esteem and self-worth. It goes back to my teens, where as a geek, I would be quite aware that I didn’t fit in anywhere. At some point, I developed an ability to not care about what others think of me, and initially that was liberating. However, the ability to just shut out what others think, which was probably good in that situation has also been a shield against people saying nice things.
Thus, I had never thought of myself having any value beyond what I have achieved, that is, I had no concept of self-worth. I had self-esteem though, as I have been pretty successful, but as I was burning out, I was unable to keep up to my own high standards, and so, self-esteem quickly collapsed, and since there was no self-worth as security net, I entered a deep, deep crisis.
Even as the immediate crisis subsided, for months, I was unable to think positive thoughts about myself. And I tried, over and over again. Instead, I entered a state of what they call preservative cognition, with the same negative thoughts going on repeat.
I now feel that I’m about to break through. The first positive thoughts came as I started to read psychology papers myself, and that helped me find more specialized psychologists, I ended the first treatment I had and then, I got the first positive thoughts. Progress has been slow, that’s now 5 months ago, but there has been progress. So, one key for me was to spend the little surplus energy I had to assume a little bit of leadership position.
As I read the psychological research literature, I was surprised to learn how much emphasis there is on physical exercise for mental health. Fortunately, I love running in the woods, I just hadn’t done a lot of it for a long time, as I felt that I hadn’t time for it. As I got a sick leave following the crisis, the first thing I did, before being told so, was to start running the way I always loved. That has been a very significant factor in my recovery. Actually, for about half a year, that was the only treatment I had.
Another key for me was to realize that the strategy that I developed in my teens to shut out negative comments from the cool kids was a good strategy then, but it is preventing me from taking in good words now. I needed to open my mind and heart towards it.
Low or absent self-worth seems to be a very significant factor in suicidal ideation. I haven’t been active in this forum (I have an FP3+ though), but I notice from this thread that you’ve are known as a kind and helpful person in this forum, @paulakreuzer . That’s a value that goes beyond actual performance. I know, from my own experience, it is hard to turn that into a good day, but there it is, I hope that when you get back, you can find that to strengthen your self-worth.
Virtual hugs,
Kjetil
I guess it’s because of all the medication I’m already taking, that I’m not falling back into deep depression this time.