Extensive issues w/FP1U - I just want it to function reliably

With every production of large amounts of electronic devices there will be some individual devices that don’t work properly. Seems like you picked the proverbial short straw. I guess the solution is to contact support to get a warranty repair.

While you wait for their answer you should try the spin test and the battery reset (described here) and the touchscreen test.
Attach the results of those tests to your support ticker to provide more info to the support team.

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